Poop map


My family went to Hawaii about a month ago. It was our first flight with Wyatt and it gave me PLENTY of blogging material. I have had most of this post written for quite some time, however it’s taken a lot of time to edit. Some posts pour out of me like tears from a toddler after a broken cheese stick, (see example of such tears below)

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Other posts take longer to come to life. Also, for whatever reason, the Hawaii post initially had a lot of cuss words. 

Like all good mothers, my mother has her own creative string of curse words she imparts every so often. She likes to pretend otherwise though and when I have a blog post with too much vulgarity she gives me that “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” look that mothers have, which for me was always way worse than time out or being grounded. Why the fuck (haha! see what I did there?) do I still care? I’m in my 30’s, I am my own adult person! 

Ugh, and here comes the guilt, and crossing out of unnecessary f-bomb. Sorry Mom. 

So it took me some time to edit and de-curse word the post. In the end I am a true believer that curse words need to be used judiciously. F bombs should not be used like commas. They should be sprinkled on like an expensive fancy salt you bought on vacation at a tropical volcano. Or like guest soap….well, honestly even guests don’t use the guest soap, so that doesn’t really work. I do use it more than fancy salt too I guess. Whatever. Sometimes I get carried away and over-salt my posts. Now you at least know my vision for my curse words. I hope Wyatt hears my voice heeding warnings in his head as much as I hear my mom in mine. 

Hawaii

My child does not travel well. Being in an airplane with him is the 7th circle of hell. We were so prepared though! I had Benadryl, sticker books, coloring books, new toys, movies, games on the ipad, snacks, softies – you name it! There’s no activity that will remedy an overly tired and uncomfortable child. He couldn’t get comfortable enough to sleep and he had decided he was over it. We did see the bathroom like 7 times, which he loved. Bathroom visits with a toddler are like trying to take off a too-small, sweaty sports bra while in a coffin. Have you seen the airplane bathroom scene from Tommy Boy? If not I’m tempted to say we can’t be friends…but I’m trying to be more forgiving as of an hour ago, so please just see it. A cultured and artsy film it is not, but you will laugh your buns off; and if you don’t then, well, we can’t be friends. 

We brought suckers and gummies to give him during takeoff to help him pop his ears. Made the rookie mistake of offering a lollipop too early, man that plane taxied for ever! 12 suckers, 4 packs of gummies and one accidental banana chip later we were finally off the ground. Five minutes after that Wyatt was over the whole plane thing. There were tantrums. Lots. Three of them were him lying down in the aisle kicking and flailing like a rabid animal. The worst was, of course, right when we got served the in-flight meal. 

*Side note: Did you know that Hawaiian serves full meals with wine? FREE WINE. I know airline food is nortoriously crap, but I love free stuff and was depressed and stressed and hungry and I found it delicious. Also, FREE WINE.

Meanwhile, Wyatt is kicking the hell out of his and my husband’s food trays. I did learn that, when motivated, I can down a Hawaiian airlines serving of wine in two gulps. Plus then it gets to you faster to help numb the feeling of wanting to lie down next to your toddler and have a tantrum with them. 

I was about to ask over the loud speaker if there was perhaps an exorcist on board, or maybe Supernanny? Or would someone care to trade a child for a stiff drink? 

A few hours later while Wyatt was very briefly not flipping out, the incredibly nice older gentlemen sitting next to me asked how old Wyatt was. I told him and he remarked that he was really doing pretty well for a little guy. I looked at him and and felt sad for this clearly blind and deaf old man. I told him that I was about to ask for an exorcist not too long ago. He chuckled and said “Well actually, I am a catholic priest! And yes, sometimes mothers do feel that way.” I was hoping he would launch into a tale of how Jesus used to throw epic tantrums, and Mother Mary then taught him to make wine from water so that she could cope. He told no such tale. I wondered how many Hail Marys he would give me for my barrage of under my breath curse words I had said so far on the flight.

After the 6th diaper change in 4 hours, Wyatt actually truly pooped. Up until that point he had been telling us he pooped, just so he could go see the bathroom. It was a big smelly one. I was totally out of diapers and we still had 1.5hrs to go. Wyatt gets blistering, bleeding rashes if poop touches his skin for longer that 2.7 seconds so I did what any normal person would do. I took him to the bathroom, grabbed the big hard ball ‘o poop, tossed it in the toilet and strapped his barely tarnished diaper back on. Recycle, reduce and reuse folks. 

*Free money making tip: sell little two packs of diapers in the airport. I looked EVERYWHERE for someone selling diapers at the airport and let me tell you, they don’t exist. I’m not sure what my husband had to do to get his hands on the paper thin, god-awful excuse for diapers he purchased from somewhere in that airport, but I was so thankful. 

For the last half of the flight he had no pants. He had refused to put his pants back on and I was out of fights. His diaper, all frayed and bunched from the airplane seat, looking like a fuzzy thong, running pell-mell through the airport. I didn’t care. 5.5 hours in a plane and he looked like a feral wolf-child. Snotty nose, hacking cough, dried food and spittle all over. We had survived though, I feel there should be medal or free spa visit for such a feat. We got to land in Hawaii though, which was lovely. 

I am convinced that Wyatt is part Labrador Retriever. He LOVES water. Any and all water. Water in a glass, random standing water on a cooler lid, puddles, storm drains, oceans and of course pools. He swam, he jumped, he playing and played until we drug him out, wrinkled and shivering. This was the first time he’d used a floatation device and I was not sure how that would go. We got him the water wing/wrap-around-tummy-floaty-thing (pretty sure that’s the official name). Our trick was to shove him in the floaty thing and immediately get him into the water before he could think about it. It totally worked! He got used to the floaty device and quickly made it clear that we were to not touch him and he could swim all by himself.

Also like a Labrador, he chases after chickens and birds like it’s his job in life. Hawaii has chickens everywhere. While we were in the airport in Honolulu waiting for our flight to Kauai a pigeon came into the gate we were at. This poor pigeon had clearly been having a string of bad luck. It had no feet, but just little twig-like stubs. That didn’t stop it though, this little fella ran around and flew like the best of them. Wyatt, spotted the pigeon and immediately darted after it, running through all of the roped-off areas, chasing the poor stubby pigeon round and round the rows of seats. I ran after him, looping and turning and ducking through obstacles. I was a little afraid he would trigger an alarm or something by going into every secure, roped-off looking area around us. Eventually I gave up and I honestly just hoped that TSA would see him as a little tiny security threat and tackle him. The bird somehow escaped and Wyatt went back to the boring task of trying to go through the doors that lead to a quick drop to death.

Some people bring back key chains or shot glasses from travels. We are starting a poop map. A poop map is a map of places that Wyatt has grabbed poop. In our backyard he’s grabbed his and our dog’s poop. Boring, but a good place to start. He squeezed dog poop at the gorgeous but windy Oregon Coast. This trip to Hawaii he stuck his hand into chicken poop while we lunched in Waimei, then finger swiped exotic bird poop in Poipu. He especially likes touching poop when there is no running water in the nearby vacinity. It’s like he’s daring me to see how prepared I am at any given moment. Guess what Wyatt? Grab all the poop you want! I love shopping for wipes and Purell, I’m a Purell connoisseur. Bring it.

All in all it was a great trip. I got zero sleep because Wyatt didn’t sleep but I got a tropical adult beverage, a tan, some beach front lounge chair time, and Wyatt truly loved it. A big thank you to my parents for inviting us along. With my parents and brother there the adult to tiny crazy toddler were way more balanced at 5:1. We will be back Hawaii, hurricane Wyatt will be back. (As long as we aren’t blacklisted from further Hawaiian airlines flights)

 

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