Top 10 pre-baby ideas about parenting that I take back

#1. Adorable professionally done newborn pics!
Holy shit 3 weeks goes fast! How does a tiny nursing pooping guppy stop and pose for pics??! I could barely see past the next 10 minutes, I can’t imagine having my shit together enough for pics this early. Maybe next time I will schedule them ahead of time, that may help. But honestly it probably just won’t happen. And shoving a 9 month old into a knit hat is neither feasible nor adorable like it is when they are teeny.

#2. I’m going to Pinterest the hell out of the nursery

It looked pinterest-worthy the week before we brought him home. Now it smells like poopy diapers and has a constant pile of “well that doesn’t fit anymore” clothes next to the “thank god Oxi-clean removes poop/vomit/breastmilk/snot” pile.

#3. My social life doesn’t have to change that much. I will continue going out for lunch and coffee dates with friends, shopping, running errands. I’ll just take him with me!

Everything is measured in number of car transfers. One stop shopping is key. Too many in and out of the car trips equals disaster. I will go out for lunch and coffee but you better be ready for a half-assed conversation on my part as I simultaneously try to feed my kid while keeping him from sharing his music (banshee type squeeling) and food with the whole restaurant. Grocery stores aren’t bad as long as I have snacks. God forbid he go too long without eating. A raisin every couple minutes keeps everyone happy. Out of raisins? Time to go.

#4. I’m going to lose so much weight breastfeeding!!

I eat when I’m exhausted and stressed. Go ahead and guess how the whole weight loss thing is going

#5. I will continue getting my hair done regularly, waxing, pedicures…I will totally keep that up

Sweet Jesus this stuff went to the wayside quickly. I can’t remember the
last time I shaved both legs at the same time. It’s amazing the things you do without when you have to get showered, dressed and ready while singing a constant stream of stupid songs in an upbeat manner trying to thwart the inevitable meltdown and hysterics of a baby in a jumper.

#6. I will be so outdoorsy. We will go on glorious enjoyable walks around the neighborhood every morning.

We did this a few times. I carefully got us both ready to go, baby was clean(ish), fed, rested, and dressed appropriate for the weather. Each time lasted in a meltdown 1.5 blocks down the road. I pushed further one fateful day, thinking, “he will get over it, he will love this! The fresh air! The birds chirping! The flowers!” 30 very long minutes later we end up back home him still crying, both frazzled , exhausted and sweaty.

#7. My baby will be dressed super stylishly every day

Buttons and stiff jeans that are sure to get bunched and piss him off? Fuck it. Sweaties and a onsie it is!
(Seriously, Uncomfy clothes for a little guy? He can’t say “mom! My balls are squished and the seam is cutting into my weiner!”

#8. I will make my baby organic homemade food. Only the best ingredients will pass through those lips

My mother, who fed us carob until we were 5, gave the baby ice cream when he was 3 months. “But he likes it and it’s organic!” she says. No shit he likes it! It’s chocolate! Plus now he eats a lot. If that means he eats a processed squeeze pouch while running errands, so be it. Those things are GENIUS.

#9. “My kid is staying the hell out of my bed, that is my space!”

Um yeah, that goes right out the window when you realize you haven’t laid down in your space for longer than 30 minutes at a time for 3 months. Sleep becomes a drug, I will do anything it takes to get another hit. I have a perma-pinched nerve in my neck from sleeping like I’m miming an elephant, but it’s SLEEP

#10. I’m going to take adorable weekly pictures with the baby in a cute outfit holding a chalkboard!

I have no idea what day it is. I barely know how old the baby is. People do this, hats off to them. I just…I’m exhausted just thinking about it.


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