Kids have finely tuned spidey-senses when it comes to crapping all over your plans (figuratively and sometimes literally). This sixth sense comes in to play as soon as you have a delicious hot cup of coffee, sit down to a hot meal, when you have to make an important phone call, and definitely the second you slip off into a cozy slumber. The baby gets a little tingle or sees a glowing baby bat signal in the sky and knows that is time to have a meltdown, projectile vomit or poop through their diaper.
Today my son’s spidey sense was extra strong. We both have colds and I was desperately hoping to catch a wee nap myself during his morning naptime. Naturally the second I laid my head down he woke up, not to be calmed back to sleep again. He’s teething, has a cold and is just downright bitchy. It’s like baby PMS. Days like this I turn to my Plan B, which I call my “office hours”. I load the kid up into the car along with a lunch and my to do list. Three minutes into the drive the baby falls fast asleep. Works like a charm every time. I can then pull over, eat my lunch, sip my (still hot!) coffee, and return long overdue phone calls and emails. I can make appointments, and heck, sometimes I even sit and read a book, one without rhymes and pictures! Sure my house is still a disaster, we will probably end up having PB&J for dinner again and I’m down to my last pair of clean underwear, but I got some free unadulterated minutes to check a few things off my to do list!
There is however, one major flaw in my office hours system. Pee breaks. The other day I went to Costco and had office hours in the Costco parking lot while Butters slept. After enjoying my Americano in peace, nature and caffeine did their thing and I found myself minutes away from peeing my pants. Baby sleeping like an angel in the backseat, my only options were to literally pee in my pants or to wake him up and go into Costco. My cousin told me a story of one of her friends who found herself in a similar predicament and used one of her baby’s diapers, but alas, there were no diapers in sight since that was exactly what I was at Costco to buy. So between short, shallow “oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-pee-my-pants” breaths I gathered the kid and my wallet and headed in. Now I found myself in a whole new predicament; how to go to the bathroom with the baby. At home I can set him down on the floor
or in his bouncer for a minute. Not the case at Costco. I had Butters, my wallet, keys and the baby front pack. Where to set all of those things while doing my business? Maybe with a clear head I could have managed better but at this point I had to go so bad I couldn’t see straight. I looked around at my fellow bathroom mates, feeling a moment of comradely, thinking surely one of these kind people will hold my baby while I pee with the door open so I can still see him. Then suddenly they all looked like meth addict kidnappers and I changed my mind. I stuffed what I could down my shirt, threw the carrier over the door and sat Butters on my lap. Not an easy thing to go to the restroom and pull your pants down and back up with a 24lb baby on your lap. I almost wished someone could’ve seen it and given me the medal or pat on the back I surely deserved. They should market adult diapers toward new mothers. Would I wear a diaper just so I didn’t have to wake a FINALLY sleeping baby? Abso-freaking-lutely. They can name them “mommy’s little secret” and put pictures of wine glasses and Haagen-Dazs bars on them.
Speaking of wine, I have discovered the bliss that is bath time. I say this in all seriousness. I was blessed with a kid that LOVES bath time and water in general. I plop him in the laundry basket in the tub (thank you Pinterest!), he has his bath toys at arms reach, and mommy has her giant glass of wine at arms reach. He plays and plays, I listen to music and drink my antioxidants. It is a win-win. I did make a total rookie mistake the first time I tried this though. I set my wine glass on the floor and misjudged a how long my kid is these days. He of course kicked it over as I put him in the tub, resulting in red wine all over the newly grouted tile floor. Oops. I thought I had it all cleaned up but overnight the wine that had seeped under the toilet unseeped and was all red and dry all over the tile the next morning. I am happy to report that Oxi-Clean is truly the miracle worker that it claims to be. No sign of wine anywhere! See? I make sure to find time to clean up my own messes. This would include changing my own diaper should I go that route. You’re welcome.