Boobies, tatas, milk factories, not so fun bags

I’m so bored with boobs. I am now completely jaded about booby etiquette. I find myself groping my swollen sisters anywhere I please. I cop a quick feel in the hall at work to test if it’s time to pump again. A rare trip to the grocery store alone? Quick boob grab in produce! Speaking of grocery shopping, it has a whole new light now that I have a kid. I can speed shop while singing made up songs and swerving like a drunk in order prevent a meltdown and get the hell out as soon as humanly possible; in which case I forget every single item on my list and end up with only wine and Ben & Jerry’s. Grocery shopping alone? Glorious. Groceries never looked so good. I will absolutely spend two hours slowly going down each and every aisle because I can! I come back with all sorts of crap I don’t need but I had the time to check out sales and price compare and look at ingredients so hot damn I will buy what I please!!

Now, back to boobs. Wyatt has his bottom two teeth, and is now cutting his upper laterals. Kids normally get the upper center teeth first, not my kid. He prefers to look like a hillbilly vampire. His teething and his age, make nursing nearly impossible lately. Every single freaking thing distracts him. Squirrel!!!!! I equate it to wrestling an alligator. Wiggle wiggle, shake shake shake. Once he gets to the death roll it’s all over. Then he gets bored or gets distracted again and starts to nibble and chew. It’s like he’s trying to whittle a mermaid figurine out of my nipple. 6 month olds don’t really understand “no!” but I say it anyway. His eyes light up as he grins up at me with my boob still clamped between his toothy gums, somehow making me forget the pain caused by this adorable snapping turtle-boy.

An ode to baby Wyatt:

My boobs are not a chew toy
Although it may bring you joy
You puke down my chest
I am doing my best
To not say &@#% in front of my innocent boy

My boobs are not a chew toy
You bite and whittle then smile all coy
All this teething is no fun
Oh when will it be done?
Because my boobs are not a chew toy


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